LifeInsideMyMind
GET REAL!!
So Some Nigeria Dude Is Failing Miserably To Scam Me
So I was trying to sell my Iphone 4 on ebay recently and someone decided they were gonna buy it using the buy it now option. Then they lagged a bit on payment. See the thing is I have sold it to someone called Richard Coller from london. Then a day later ebay messages me telling not to send anything to the buyer as it was suspicious as they were not on ebay. See I had sent the paypal payment details to them so I expected payment first before sending. Then the flood of super fake comical emails from paypal followed. Notice the amount of grammatical mistakes.
Then he emails me to tell me that he has sent payment etc…He sent the message below twice by the way.
Exhibit 1
Auction Payment to your PayPal Account from Coller Richard
April15, 2012
Transaction ID: 9J648698DF956342S
you have receive payment OF £360.00 GBP from Coller Richard richardcoller794@yahoo.com
Thanks for using PayPal. Shipment is required within the next 24hrs.
It may take a few days for this transaction to appear in your account, send shipping details so that your account can be credited within the next 24hrs.
spirit42910
mavis.chakwenya86@hotmail.comNote from merchant
we want the item to be send out soon
Shipping address - confirmed
Iju Rd. Agege
23401
Lagos State
Nigeria.
DescriptionUnit priceQtyAmount(Apple iPhone 4 - 16GB - Black (O2) Smartphone)
Item#261002561843
£330.00 GBP
1
£330.00 GBP
Insurance - not offered——
Total £360.00 GBP
Payment£360.00 GBP
You have 45 days from the date of the transaction to open a dispute in the Resolution Center.
PayPal Email ID PP84.
Richard Johnson
Adewopo Close,
23401
The PayPal Team.
A payment has been made to your PayPal account by Richard Coller for an eBay Item# (Apple iPhone 4 - 16GB - Black (O2) Smartphone)(261002561843) which will get into your PayPal account as soon as we verify and confirm that the item has been shipped.This is due to the standard PayPal method used by the buyer. We Request that you send the item within the next 24 hrs to the buyer’s verified shipping address below since he has made payment to your PayPal account.
Iju Rd. Agege
23401
Lagos State
Nigeria.
Otherwise the payment will not be credited to the account specified.We need the item’s shipping tracking number to verify the shipment of the item to the buyer’s shipping address provided.Shipping tracking numbers will be given to you at the post office/courier service company where you ship this item,and it should be sent to us, so that we can proceed to credit your account immediately.
This is to reduce the high rate of fraudulent acts going on and to ensure that both buyers and sellers are satisfied.Please respond within the next 24hrs.Thank you for using PayPal Â
. We look forward serving your online auction payment needs in the future.
Gene Briant
PayPal Customer Care,
Dear spirit42910,
Iju Rd. Agege
23401
Lagos State
Nigeria.
See our Privacy Policy and User Agreement if you have questions about eBay’s communication policies.
Privacy Policy:
User Agreement: http://pages.ebay..com/help/policies/user-agreement.html
Copyright
2006-2012 eBay, Inc. All Rights Reserved.Designated trademarks and brands are the property of their respective owners.
eBay and the eBay logo are registered trademarks or trademarks of eBay, Inc.
eBay is located
Then he emails me to tell me that he has sent payment etc…He sent the message below twice by the way.
At this point I have emailed Mr Richard Coller a.k.a Richard Johnson of London, UK also Lagos, Nigeria. Travelling business man. After he was done doing the fake ones he decided he would email me to tell me of the good news that my money had been sent and that all I have to do is send the item and give him the tracking number by sending this below email twice over
Exhibit 1
It is my pleasure to inform you that I have carried out the payment of via PayPal. I want it sent to my daughter who is living and working in West africa for her Birthday Gift.I would have asked you to post it to my eBay address in the[UNITED KINGDOM].But I am presently on a business trip to Russian,here is the delivering address of my daughter.
Richard Johnson
Adewopo Close
Iju Rd. Agege
23401
Lagos State
Nigeria.
I want you to ship the item Tomorrow morning to Lagos Nigeria via Royal mail first class SIGNED-FOR so that the item will get there ASAP,and Please get back to me ASAP with the shipping tracking number of the item shipped.NOTE: Please wrap the item carefully, write GIFT on the paper. Please don’t use any other postage service except Royal Mail First class SERVICE DELIVERY.I’m very sorry for the inconvenience I may cause you Thanks.
Then the next day “paypal” emails me telling me that wait a minute they have received money. (I still have not checked my emails)
Exhibit 2-I think
Payment Has Been Approved***Payment ID Number 6D694274EY338930***
Dear. Mavis Chakwenya,
Details of Transaction
——————————————— —————-
Transaction ID: 6D694274EY338930K
What to Do Next
——————————————— ——-
Item Number:
Name Of Courier Service:
Tracking Number:
Buyer’s Shipping Address:
Richard Johnson
Iju Rd. Agege
23401
Lagos State
Nigeria.
. We look forward serving your online auction payment needs in the future.Gene Braint
PayPal Customer Care
Right before the above email it turns out this idiot is also scamming other people as he must have got confused and he sent me a “paypal” email for someone else.
Exhibit 3
Dear. clinton Mason,
Details of Transaction
——————————————— —————-
Transaction ID: 6D694274EY338930K
What to Do Next
——————————————— ——-
Item Number:
Name Of Courier Service:
Tracking Number:
Buyer’s Shipping Address:
Richard Johnson
Iju Rd. Agege
23401
Lagos State
Nigeria.
. We look forward serving your online auction payment needs in the future.Gene Braint
PayPal Customer Care
I emailed him telling him what ebay had told me that he was getting nothing out of me. Then the floods of his emails start coming. Then comes the reaction
Exhibit 1 From Richard Coller/Richard Johnson
Yes am sure i made the payment to your PayPal account that you give me and i also added 30 pounds for shipping cost to it so that you will not have any problem of sending the item to my daughter and i think that you have a notification from PayPal and eBay that your eBay item has been paid for and i want you to ship the item this morning now and when ever you send the item now Kindly email PayPal with shipping tracking number so that your account will be credit in full payment because i have be worried since i made the payment to your account and i have not hear anything from PayPal and eBay maybe you have ship the item to my daughter and i want that to be done this morning Get the item sent asap Thanks.
At this point you can’t rationalise with an idiot. I once again tell him he will get nothing then comes another email
I don’t really understand what is going on over there, because you promise to send the item as soon as i have made payment and since i have made payment i have not heard anything from you concerning the issue of the item and am so worried to know what is going on over there, because the money has already been deducted from my paypal account, kindly send the item and send the shipping tracking number to paypal so that they would be able to credit your paypal account immediately. I will be reporting you to the Metropolitan Police if i did not heard from you and i will be getting all your information from both ebay and paypal and you will be prosecuted for trying to go away with my money and you will serve as an example for others.
At this point I tell him be my guest and go report me to ebay, paypal and the metropolitan police. Who the fuck calls it that unless they are trying to be all formal and shit. Its the Met.
Then he comes back with a cracker, he has reported me to “ebay”…a.k.a. HIMSELF and so ebay have decided to email me and tell me my account is suspended. The links in the email don’t even work.So email from “ebay”
Your registered name is included to show this message originated from eBay. Learn more.
http://pages.ebay.fr/education/spooftutorial
See our Privacy Policy and User Agreement if you have questions about eBay’s communication policies.
Privacy Policy: http://pages.ebay.co.uk/help/policies/privacy-policy..html
User Agreement: http://pages.ebay.co.uk/help/policies/user-agreement..html
Copyright
2012 eBay, Inc. All Rights Reserved.Designated trademarks and brands are the property of their respective owners.
eBay and the eBay logo are registered trademarks or trademark.
So at this point I am slightly thinking dude, you have way too much time on your hands producing this stupidness. And once again tell him how blatant it is that his emails are fake. Anyway so today I check my email and the police have emailed me. Gosh if police were that quick in their investigations and they only email instead of actually visiting me to question me then why all the budget cuts. Solve a crime whilst behind a computer. What worries me is how bad the english and the gramar the police have nowadays.
Exhibit 5
As a report to our hand you have been reported by Richard Coller, about the transaction between you the buyer and Richard Collerthe buyer of your item has he lamented this, We here that you made the transaction ‘15 April, 2012’ on eBay shopping site and Richard Collerbought an Item (Apple iPhone 4 - 16GB - Black (O2) Smartphone) with the item number of (261002561843#) and made the payment through PayPal Secure Payment and you have not post the item and provide the tracking number for the buyer of this item since then, Before this will get out of hand we advice you to post the item to the address and send the tracking number then you get your account Credited by PayPal Management.
We here to inform you that all your address has been given to us by
and an enhanced service in the fight,
against organized crime group.
So after all that will I be sending the iphone!! Like HELL I will!! Anyway I figure I may have some fun with this due though. I have the idea to send an empty box to the address and ask him kindly to take a picture when he opens a box of NOTHING!! Whether I am willing to pay for a package to go all the way to nigeria just for the sake of it and for the joke part of it isthe question. I probably will do it. Just so I can get a reaction. But then again I don’t want juju done to me. I am African and juju can ruin your life!!
Also this is funny to me but some people actually fall for that shit. And to be honest it doesn’t really piss me off because well this is not a clever scammer. Its the clever ones that piss me off because they are actually successful at it. I am just offended that this person thinks I have the mental capacity of a 5 year old. Scratch that 5 year olds would fall for this.
Playing With Telemarketers
- I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
- ME: Hello.
- AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.
- ME: Is this AT&T.
- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
- ME: This is AT&T.
- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
- ME: Is this AT&T.?
- AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?
- ME: May I ask who is calling?
- AT&T: This is AT&T.
- ME: OK, hold on.
- At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
- ME: Hello?
- AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
- ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
- ME: This is AT&T?
- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
- ME: The phone company.
- AT&T: Yes, sir.
- ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
- AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
- ME: I already have a phone.
- AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
- ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
- AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
- ME: 7 days a week.?
- AT&T: That's right.
- ME: 365 days a year.?
- AT&T: Yes, sir.
- ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
- AT&T: We think so!
- ME: That's quite a sum of money!
- AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
- ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
- AT&T: Excuse me?
- ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
- AT&T: What are you talking about?
- ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
- AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
- ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
- AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for
- ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
- AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
- ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
- AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
- At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
- SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?
- ME: Yeah.
- SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
- ME: Is This A T &T?
- SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
- ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
- SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
- ME: Thank you.
- I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
- AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?
- ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family"
- thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
- AT&T: click........
Finding Your Purpose
One early Monday morning I stayed up to stream Oprah’s lifeclass because mainly of the title of the lifeclass and the fact that Bishop T.D. Jakes was on was even better. I love Oprah but Bishop T.D. Jakes is just one of the most inspiring preachers out there and that and Oprah combo, I was sure I was about to be touched. The topic was living on purpose. If you have not watched it please find your way to that stream because even if you are not religious, it will make sense.
When I was watching the show one of the main things that came up was passion. How passion and purpose are partners in every way. Living on purpose by doing something that you are passionate about, something that drives you to wake up every morning and want to do it. See for so long I have been struggling in terms of my purpose because I seem to not be in touch with what I am passionate about. If anyone knows me they know I change what I want to do more than I change underwear mainly because I am a long term thinker. I can’t bear to think that when I am old and grey that I will be regretful of what I did with my life especially in terms fulfilling my purpose and my passion. I have been told about how I am a bit over dramatic but that’s further from the truth. When it comes to passion, I know one person in this world who is absolutely passionate about what they do, my dad. Understand this, my dad is one of the greatest men I will ever come to know because he loves and is passionate about his work. My dad is a civil engineer/architect and at one time I wanted to be an architect,( kind of still would like to) but thing is, he will purposely drive past buildings he has worked on to show me his work, or he will take me or my siblings to a construction site to see him work. And he will talk about his work till he no longer has breath to talk. I mean the man sacrifices sleep for his work that’s how much he loves what he does. He loves money too but he chases his provision chases him in that he has got to a position where people chase him to consult on work than him chasing people. See many people have jobs that they do, but its not really something they love and talk about to the extent of it being their passion. I used to and still sometimes get annoyed at people who talk about their work or what they love to do all the time cause quite frankly if I didn’t ask for the info please don’t just offer it up and think everybody around the table wants to hear it. It annoys me but then I get it. I suppose when you find your passion and your purpose per say then you love it that much you want to tell the world and well fair play.
One of the themes that came up is plenty of people try to be something that they are not. I would say too many people do this. And in that thought a lot of people live mediocre lives. I say mediocre because then you are not doing anything you were meant to be doing in life and what you are capable of achieving in life. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t have to be something BIG, but it has to be meant for you. A lot of people struggle though in what their purpose is because another great point that arose in the show as I was watching was how people often mistake talent for purpose. And hell we have seen it on the many talent shows around. We are in a world where there are a vast amount of very talented people. Great singers, great dancers, instrumentalists, and my favourite “talent” which most girls especially seem to want to pursue these days just as long as they are tall, skinny and well beautiful; modelling, (I don’t know if it’s so much a talent than a blessing but go with it), sportsman/woman, etc, but just like the Bishop said, just because you have talent in something it doesn’t mean that you are meant to be doing that. I have a few friends that can sing like the best of them and some play an instrument but even they know that is not their calling, that’s not their purpose. They may even love to sing or love playing an instrument but have no interest in pursuing that past what it is, a hobby or a blessing but nothing more nothing less. But the world today offers so much in terms of financial gain, fame and whatever else when you have a talent, but then again you actually don’t have to have a talent to gain all that. And therein lies the problem that we face in this day and age because an ounce of talent or even a lot of talent may mean that all that person wants to do is be a singer, dancer, actor/actress, model, instrumentalist or sports person, its not about whether we can do something but it’s also about what is meant for us. We know a lot of people have tried and failed at the thing that they have a talent in. Maybe it’s not your purpose or maybe you are not meant to be doing it on the platform you want to be doing it on. Fame is not for everyone. And sometimes it’s not even for those who are already famous, if you can see how much some of those people crack under pressure. Mostly also its even to do with the happiness within but that’s another blog. To live in your purpose I always think also you will be one of the best at what you do because when you are passionate about something, you do it effortlessly so sometimes when you do something that you are not passionate about or that is not your purpose but doing it for the money, you tend to miss the point and your crashing moments will come. In this day and age, money is the driving force and I get it, you need it to live and basically take care of your responsibilities. So I suppose that’s why maybe it is hard for other people to chase the passion rather than have the money chasing you. Too many people are in the process of chasing their provision instead of living in your purpose, and then your provision will chase you not the other way round, already said it earlier and figured to reiterate the point.
As I kept watching plenty of other themes came up and well it made me certainly think about passion and what exactly what it meant to me. Most of what I have learned when it comes to passion is from the people around me that have been and continue to be influential in my life. My dad as I have already talked about inspires me because I feel like he gets his passion and he will go to his grave one day satisfied that he did what he was meant to. I am left asking what my passion is…because as the Bishop said, if you don’t know your purpose then find your passion because your passion will lead you to your purpose. Only I am struggling with that. For so long I have struggled with finding my passion. Not because I don’t know who I am or what makes me tick. I have spent 25 years of my life trying to figure this out and I still have nothing but also believe I am close to finding it. Finding your passion is not easy, and not a lot of people ever find it because they would rather chase their provision. I know who I am and I know where I want to be when I am at my death bed, knowing that I lived in my purpose. I am not ready to live with contentment with what I do with my life, I can’t even relate to people who can’t elevate themselves higher than the space they are living in. I am not comfortable in the space I am right now because I am not living on purpose, I am not doing what I am passionate about, HELL, I ain’t even doing anything but when that day comes when I find my passion and start making the right steps to getting me to my purpose…MY PASSION.
“Know when your space is too small for you…and you have to be birthed to the next level!” -TD Jakes
Cheap Flights To Zim
So after reading the news about Air Zimbabwe finally going out of business, bound to happen, surprised it took so long. I then read that the Johannesburg-Harare route is becoming forever more popular and SAA have gone from 14 flights a week 2010 to 21 flights a weeks in 2011 can only mean that other air lines will want a piece of that pie. Contrary to popular uneducated belief Zimbabweans have always and will always be balling, of course like in any country there are those that are not and we are 3rd world so there will be those who are a whole lot more worse off than others. Anyway so Emirates have now started a direct flights to harare and also Air Namibia has started flying to Zimbabwe which means Kenya Airways will definately want a piece of that pie and Kenya Airways comes with its affiliations will KLM. Renewed interest in tourism in Zimbababwe is finally coming back and we have been out of the game for a while but I always knew we would be back despite the crazy man.
What makes me excited about this is the whole cheap flights that come with more competition and I love me some cheap flights to my motherland.
Entertain Me On Social Media
Ok I am hoping this will be the blog I finally post because I have been struggling trying to write this blog because well I just didn’t know how to express it.
On a daily basis I go on facebook, its actually become a somewhat ritual, mainly because I have nothing better to do and well I am nosy and like to see what shit people are upto. I also have become the sort of person that can’t be bothered with actually calling people to see how their lives are, Too exhausting and some friends I have tend to talk about themselves for the whole phone call and after I hang up I regret ever calling. So I would rather not call. I still love my friends but I prefer to not hear shit. Especially because I am going through something right now and I gotta take care of me. But that being said I will get right into what I want to say.
So everyday I log onto twitter and facebook and I begin to sometimes go through people’s profiles, not everyone on facebook, just people I know well and I care about and well also those that have either changed their relationship status and see who it is they have decided to shack up with and I can judge and either be impressed or not impressed. (I am not the only one who does this. One reason I would not be putting my shit on facebook EVER!!). The thing about fb is that people seem to think it’s a platform to share their sob stories (ok I may have done that too before) but now I laugh at people who do that and well sometimes I like the entertainment value of it all. I am not necessarily laughing at the problem, but at the fact that you think your however may 100s of so called friends actually care. And some people do indulge you by actually commenting what’s wrong and all that and to be honest half the time they are being nosy and they don’t care what’s wrong. Just wanting to do their so called good deed of the day and then tell you oh everything will be fine. Some people remove those people who put their sob stories on facebook, me personally I like to keep them. Keeps me entertained.
Then there are my favourite types of status updates, they also come in the form of pictures so that everyone sees how much of a great life you are leading. The fake happy people. Love them, can’t get enough of them. These people have a tendency to update their status regularly, way too regularly that on any given day they seem to be updating minute by minute. Its funny especially if you know the person well and you know why it is they are updating their status so much like that. Its the old you broke up with me so I am gonna show you how great my life is after you have gone and maybe you may miss me and want me back. Well if he/she wakes up one morning and thinks oh I made a mistake and I will take that person back then its really not because you were pretending to be happy when you were probably crying every chance you got. I always the more someone preaches how happy they are and how much fun they are having, the more unhappy they are. If anything you are just doing too much and whoever you are trying to tell that your life is great knows you are doing too much which all means that you just get high on your own juice and that ain’t even attractive. Girls are also the worst at this. We get high on our own juice. I don’t even know who told us that being all fake happy and going on like we have moved on and don’t care is a good idea. ITS REALLY NOT!! In fact its STUPID!! If you don’t care and have truly moved on then you showing that person you have moved on or don’t care is not even on your radar. You do not need to prove anything to anybody. FYI girls, men move on faster than we do so for all those times you are wanting to show them how happy you are and how much progress you have made and how much they are a non-motherfucking factor, they probably have someone else on their dial, or several. They are already back in the game or are just living it up with their boys and you don’t even factor in their thoughts.
But as long as facebook or twitter exists people will forever think that people care what they are doing and for me, the nosy, I kind of like logging on and seeing whats going on. So keep doing sob stories of social media and fake happy!! Fills my life with great entertainment.
LifeClass Quotes by T.D Jakes! I absolutely LOVE!!
What you think is working against you, is actually working for you.
“When you know who you are, You don’t need people in your space to validate who you are!” - T.D. Jakes.
Don’t chase your provision..your provision should chase u.. that’s purpose
You have to pull an arrow backwards to propel it forward. The greater the digression the greater the progression.
You have to pull an arrow backwards to propel it forward. The greater the digression the greater the progression.
Your passion will lead you into your purpose.
People love you till you leave. You need to be around people who make deposits and not just withdrawls.
You can not move forward until you let go of what is holding you back.
You need to be around people that make deposits in your life, not just withdrawals.
The price that comes with living on purpose. THINK again. TRAIN again. READ again. Get out of your comfort zone. GO HIGHER!
Don’t depend on people to encourage you to move to the next level. Many times they want to hold you still til they can pass you.
Your life is built around where you been, not around where your going…
Where I am going is no where near the space I have been…progression
If u can’t figure out your purpose in life, figure out your passion. It will lead u 2 it
I have always known that at last I would take this road, but yesterday I did not know that it would be today.
Everybody has an opportunity to love. We are in a culture where we seek it in the wrong places. It might be right in front of us.
Greatness is contagious. You’ll catch it if you’re around it.
You can never reap a dividend where you do not make an investment.
Rather its an ex, a boss, a parent or a friend - RESENTMENT is a dream killer. Let God handle the haters & you get back on point!
Your test can end up being your testimony. Don’t look so much at the forest that you miss the tree.
We were misinformed into thinking that only BAD decisions have consequences! HAVING CHARACTER COSTS! But YOU are worth it!
The most attractive sexy thing in the world is somebody who knows who they are.
If you make the investment up front, the return will come back later
Love will leap over excuses and find a way to get it done.
What is your image saying? Is it a true representation of you and is it getting you where you wanna go?
This generation wants to eat their dinner in the morning. They want the payback too soon.
People define you how they met you, don’t let them put a period where there’s supposed to be a comma!
Forgive so you can be forgiven… You don’t have to forget it to forgive it. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
RIDE OR DIE: ETERNITY
I think, actually I know I found the love of my life a long time ago. I found him before even I knew I had found him. Most people can get with someone and it will take them a few months, years to actually know that they have someone who just fits. I have never been the type of girl to get in and out of relationships. One I don’t have the patience and two I myself admit I am difficult person to get to know and to crack on to so for a person to een get there will be a miracle. How I see it, and what is not modern day practice is, you have to be my friend first, you have to kow me. Ok some peole think being with someone is all about being sexual with someone. I can say one thing, of I want you sexually, I don’t want to know you any other way. It is what it is. I got ridiculed when I said I had a 90 day or even a 180 day rule. But understand this, I respect myself first and foremost and I know I have to take care of me and my heart. I need to know that you are here for the right reason so of you can’t take 90 days the. KEEP IT MOVING!! This entry I is not even about the “rule” that’s for another entry. But what I was trying to say is that for me it is way more than the physical. It’s spiritual!! Anyway back to the point: I knew from the early days but I was so preoccupied with them being my friend or being whatever else other that what they were meant to be. In life we spend so much time trying to find someone who we can just fit with, someone who we can be ourselves within, someone who will be there no matter what with, and someone who is first and foremost our best friend and our lover second. I have had that for most of my life. My best friend and lover and I was too stupid to se it and realise it. They know everything about me, the good and the bad and yet they accept me as I am. We have been though it all, the good and the bad on both ends, whether it be me or them but I have always been there and they have always been there. At 4am I will be there and at 4am they will be there and I can laugh and cry because in there I find someone who is my confidant, my rock and my strength. I know I have said before that you shouldn’t rely on your emotions and should always be able to make informed decisions and I have just done that. I know with everything I have I am making the most informed decision I have ever made in my life. Being in love for me is more than just how I feel. I know for the longest time I have tried to fight what made sense, what felt right, but most of all what was my destiny. When you are drawn to someone it’s more than a feeling. It will never be able to make sense to anyone who has not been where I have been but for those that know, there is nothing like it. They are my lover, my best friend and my one and only. When things can be bad, they will be but it’s love that can withstand a lot. Now don’t misunderstand me though. Love ain’t about staying with someone who causes you pain through infidelity, through physical pain, through manipulation, etc. That is not love because of you cannot resist any tempting and respect me as your woman and I the same, if you can’t resist ever abusing me physically and emotionally, then you don’t love me and there is not any love for me on your end and as much as I can love you with all I have, I can’t ever disrespect myself and put up with anything you bring to me. I guess that’s what it may mean when they say ride or die in the right way anyway. I love like how I under stand love to be. I just know that it is being in love with someone who belongs to you for eternity! The highs, and the lows. My love is not blind. It sees with my big old eyes and listens with my big old ears and feels with my big old heart and most of all, understands everything with my big old mind.
I HAVE FACED MYSELF IN THAT MIRROR
Do you ever stop and think wow. Wow my life is starting to make sense, wow I am blessed and wow thank you for everything. I have been going through some changes lately. I have done a lot of things I regret and I am ashamed of but I realise that sometimes nothing just happens. My regrets and my stupid idiotic mistakes. They were meant to happen for me to teach me some major big lessons. I went to that dark place, the place where you have dug yourself the biggest hole ever and there is no amount of mud, cement, soil that can bury you. Infact you need to come out of your hole and face the world, face the mistakes you have made but most of all face the people you have hurt. I hit rock bottom at some point but I have to say I had to put my boxing gloves on and say to myself this is the fight of my life and I am willing to punch through any obstacle that may come my way. My biggest obstacle was me. I had to fight me and my demons, I had to fight what I had created, I had to fight for what I wanted my life to be not what it was becoming. This all sounds dramatic but I have majorly FUCKED up in recent times, infact I have been fucking up for a while. I have always known I was strong, infact my own strength amazes me sometimes because there has been so much I have had to go through and I am still standing. I know someone is definitely looking out for me because no matter how much shit I get myself into (I do that a hell of a lot) and how much shit is thrown my way, I always come out on the other side stronger than I was before. I learn from most things I go through but this time my learning is leading me to my revolution. See the thing is I was walking in the valley of the shadow of death spiritually, emotionally and even physically. I lost my faith, my hope and most of all I lost me. I had been losing myself for as long as I could remember but I kept moving. I am a very internal person. Whatever I may go through, I go it alone. I rely on me, to pick myself up, dust it off and keep it moving. In this life I always believed you walk alone. Funny thing is I am sometimes the friend most of my friends will come to and just vent and cry and ask for advice but I am that one friend that doesn’t ask for help. I always saw it as casting your burdens on others and how unfair it may be. Plus well its a trust thing too, but that’s another blog entry for another day. The thing about going it alone is, at one point you will burn out and I have done and I did. I was so tired. My body was tired, my mind was tired, my heart was tired and my soul was tired. The feeling of looking at yourself in the mirror and not liking what you see in your own eyes because your eyes are truly the gateway to your soul. Your eyes tell a lot about what is really going on inside of you. I never made eye contact with most people because I felt like each time they would see my eyes, they would know how much I was hiding. I know in this life, not everything is what it seems and the more people broadcast their “happiness”, the less I am inclined to believe it. Everyone is different but I can only speak from my experience. Not everything is as it seems and we are all actors in this life. The thing about being in your own drama is; is that it gets old, it starts to weigh on you and then what? How long can you look at yourself and not like who is staring back at you. I am talking about me here though. Right now my life ain’t perfect, its certainly not what I thought it would be and that’s because of the many wrong decisions I have made. I have never made informed decisions. I made decisions based on what my heart wanted and felt and to be honest I hate now more than ever the whole “follow your heart”. I loathe it because following heart, i.e. my emotions has brought me nothing but pain. Don’t get me wrong, what I have been through and experienced, has made me who I am right now and infact I needed to go through all that for me to get to the other side and say thank you for the struggles because now I know where I need to be and what I need to do for me to get my life in the right direction. Like Oprah says when you know better you do better and I can’t ever say that I would know better if I hadn’t been through my trials and tribulations. What I need to say more than anything and I had this reaffirmed at Church, was my emotions are the bane of my life. We rely on our emotions so much that we are willing to lose ourselves in anything and everything…..ALL BECAUSE OF OUR EMOTIONS? You know the worst thing about making emotional decisions is after you make them and then realise you have made a bad choice; is that you become angry at yourself. There is nothing worse because you then direct your anger at anything and anyone else but yourself. I have always said that angry people are not angry at anyone but themselves and they are unhappy. I have been there, I know. A lot of things that really didn’t even need to bother me, absolutely affected me, people who really shouldn’t, annoyed me, pretty much most things just made me an ugly person inside because I was so angry at myself and I was so unhappy. Not a lot of people are ever willing to change that in their life, not a lot of people are ever willing to fix it and they take it to their grave. And that ain’t no life lived. A few months ago I decided I was gonna change my life, I was gonna also change who I allow into my life, most of the time I have often allowed people in my life that didn’t deserve to be in it. I always thought I loved myself but then I realised I must not love myself all that much if I still allow people who are not meant to be there to be there. Family and Friends included. I decided I can only ever have people who build my life rather than stunt the growth of my life. Some people are happy to see you fail and be unhappy because for them it means they are doing much better than you and so thats what makes them feel better about their lives. HOW SAD!! Thats just one aspect of changing my life though but I had to put this in here because that I consider to be important. I won’t list all that I decided to change cause the list is long but in the process of changing my life and the journey to the other side, I realise how much of myself I had been neglecting. When you are in your struggles, your vision is clouded and you are so engrossed in your own crap, nothing else is transparent to you. I am certainly not finished in changing my life or even discovering how much I am capable of, or my strength or even who I am in this world but I am kind of loving the journey to being me, the freedom of finally letting go of that, that has been holding me back. I know I will not always make the right decisions and even now I find myself at a crossroads of where I need to go, but I now know to take my time and not to be afraid to go against my heart.
P.S: I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO WRITE BUT BEEN AT IT FOR 2 HOURS WITH BREAKS AND ALL AND WELL I AM TIRED AND MY MIND IS SHUTTING DOWN.
